Every once in a great while, you may find that you have fallen out of love with your toaster. It's natural, these things happen. Perhaps your toaster no longer has the out-of-the-box shine and glisten that it once had. Perhaps it has stopped exercising and watching its diet, and has put on a few unsightly pounds. Or, perhaps, that little dial on the front that was once so honest and virtuous has become a filthy little fucking LIAR!!! And if you burn my Eggo ONE MORE TIME YOU LITTLE BITC...
But I digress.
Or, maybe you are simply looking for a good excuse to remodel your kitchen. After all, no one has used avocado since the 1970s. And if your no good sonofabitch husband had agreed to do it before the recession, you would have been able to qualify for the home equity loan, but no, he wanted to wait, and now you can't have the kitchen of you dreams. But you'll show him, just wait, one of these nights when he's had his ambien, he'll never see that pillow coming....
But I digress again.
So, let's say, completely hypothetically, that you want to set your toaster on fire. As a science experiment. Yeah, that's it, a science experiment. But don't let the kids watch, you don't want them to get any crazy ideas. First thing you want to do, is make sure that you have never, EVER, cleaned it. Inside or out. The crumb tray should be completely full of crumbs, and the exterior should be covered in butter grease, crumbs, and whatever other debris and crud your kitchen has felt compelled to bless it with. You should feel dirty even looking at it. Children should cry whenever they walk by it. Rats should get the bubonic plague simply by passing within five miles of it.
Secondly, make sure that the power cord is nice and frayed, and also quite dirty. The plug part should be nearly broken, and it should be physically impossible to remove the plug from the wall socket. It is also vitally important that the ground pole on the electrical socket should be gone.
Third, create as much clutter around the toaster as possible. Make sure a good part of that clutter is dry goods, like paper towels (oily if possible) - but feel free to improvise with the addition of organics. You will need to make sure that the clutter and debris continues all the way to a good wall and goes along the electrical cord all the way to the socket.
Fourth and finally, turn that lying bastard dial all the way up, but some cheap bread in, and let 'er rip. Repeat until you have the kitchen of your dreams, compliments of your insurance company!!! And remember, you have never heard of me :-)
Did I enlighten or educate your life, or at least make you laugh? Tell me in the comments!
