How to Set A Toaster On Fire

Every once in a great while, you may find that you have fallen out of love with your toaster.  It's natural, these things happen.  Perhaps your toaster no longer has the out-of-the-box shine and glisten that it once had.  Perhaps it has stopped exercising and watching its diet, and has put on a few unsightly pounds.  Or, perhaps, that little dial on the front that was once so honest and virtuous has become a filthy little fucking LIAR!!!  And if you burn my Eggo ONE MORE TIME YOU LITTLE BITC...

But I digress.

Or, maybe you are simply looking for a good excuse to remodel your kitchen.  After all, no one has used avocado since the 1970s.  And if your no good sonofabitch husband had agreed to do it before the recession, you would have been able to qualify for the home equity loan, but no, he wanted to wait, and now you can't have the kitchen of you dreams.  But you'll show him, just wait, one of these nights when he's had his ambien, he'll never see that pillow coming....

But I digress again.

So, let's say, completely hypothetically, that you want to set your toaster on fire.  As a science experiment.  Yeah, that's it, a science experiment.  But don't let the kids watch, you don't want them to get any crazy ideas.  First thing you want to do, is make sure that you have never, EVER, cleaned it.  Inside or out.  The crumb tray should be completely full of crumbs, and the exterior should be covered in butter grease, crumbs, and whatever other debris and crud your kitchen has felt compelled to bless it with.  You should feel dirty even looking at it.  Children should cry whenever they walk by it.  Rats should get the bubonic plague simply by passing within five miles of it.

Secondly, make sure that the power cord is nice and frayed, and also quite dirty.  The plug part should be nearly broken, and it should be physically impossible to remove the plug from the wall socket.  It is also vitally important that the ground pole on the electrical socket should be gone.

Third, create as much clutter around the toaster as possible.  Make sure a good part of that clutter is dry goods, like paper towels (oily if possible) - but feel free to improvise with the addition of organics.  You will need to make sure that the clutter and debris continues all the way to a good wall and goes along the electrical cord all the way to the socket.

Fourth and finally, turn that lying bastard dial all the way up, but some cheap bread in, and let 'er rip.  Repeat until you have the kitchen of your dreams, compliments of your insurance company!!!  And remember, you have never heard of me :-)



Did I enlighten or educate your life, or at least make you laugh?  Tell me in the comments!

How to Get Your Teenage Daughter Pregnant

When I was a kid, it seemed that all of my older aunts and female cousins got knocked up at an awfully young age. I assumed that was because they were idiots. I was, of course, an arrogant and self-righteous little snot. (Little has changed in that regard, but that's beside the point.) As I grew older, the joke continued that members of our family bred well in captivity - but being a generally inquisitive little shit I started to notice some trends that have held true for my friends, family, and general acquaintance.

1. Kids/teenagers know a LOT more about sex than adults give them credit for, but they don't know a damn thing about contraception. This is true regardless of whether your friendly neighborhood schools go the "Abstinence Only" route or try for a more comprehensive sex-ed program. Unless you have a teacher that actually knows how to engage the students in a real way, school is school and the kids are not listening. And trying to pretend that your precious snowflake would never engage in that kind of behavior isn't going to make that baby bump go away any faster. There are still a lot of ridiculous myths floating around out there (my favorite is the "you can't get pregnant the first time you have sex" gem), and the kids of this country need some real adults, older siblings, parents, SOMEBODY speaking reality out there.

2. The birth-control pill is not nearly as effective as people think it is. In order to get those magical 90-whatever percent effective rates that they publish, you have to remember to take it every day at the same time without fail for more than a month and then you cannot miss a single day. I have yet to meet a teenager that does not already have a chronic medical condition that can handle that. There are also many other medications (especially antibiotics) than can greatly reduce the efficacy of the pill. Your weight can have a huge impact on efficacy. If you don't believe me, I can name at least ten kids that were conceived on the pill without even thinking hard, although to be fair, one of those is still cooking. The pill is a good start, but you had better have a back-up plan....

 3. Condoms... they break. Especially if you're planning on using over twenty of them in one weekend. Much like the pill, have a back-up plan.

 The key is, educate yourself. Don't do ANYTHING (sex or otherwise) without knowing what you're getting into - know the risks, take precautions, then you can enjoy the rewards. For all medications, know what the drawbacks are, and know what is best for you. And don't do ANYTHING without being ready and willing to accept the consequences.

For more on this topic, I highly recommend Dan Savage, a hilarious and highly informative advice columnist.